Comfort in Words

As I progress along on this Journey...there are some days that seem longer than others...some goals that seem harder to reach and some challenges that seem too difficult to overcome.  On those days, I try to find some comfort from something other than food...or margaritas.

Today, I am finding some comfort in words...which I find soothing...but difficult to swallow if eaten (just a note from my experience).  Hopefully, I want have to eat any of these words since they belong to other people!

Below are  few favorite thoughts that I like to ponder on these long, more challenging days.

Every day I learn something on my way to the next.  Every day I am given the opportunity to overcome those mindsets, experiences and fears that hold me back...and every day I am aware that even when I feel a bit wayward...there is a guiding force that never gives up on me...and never gives in to me.  This Journey continues...even when it feels like I am standing still!

Forging ON! 

An Intentional Reminder

So in my last post I created a list of action steps to "practice" as I move forward...as I again try to boost my momentum on this Journey. In an effort to stay on track...I am reposting...for accountabilty and for reinforcement...for a written reminder that this Journey is intentional...it is important...it is an absolute necessity!

As I re-read the below...some of the action steps feel a little lofty...a little out of reach...but I am hopeful...I am determined...and I am fighting the insecurity and fear. I will keep my eye on the prize...even when I don't see it clearly.

Here is what I know...Grace continues to meet me where I am!

Living intentionally

Praying daily that I am walking in God's will and not in nasty insecurity and fear

Taking risks that might feel scary and exposing but that in the end, lead to courage

Taking time each day to step out of my "self" and be available to others

Daily practicing trust...that I have all I need...the faith I need...the support I need... to take daily steps in the right direction.

Staying true to the course even on those days when I am feeling defeated, optional, destructible, invisible or just plain ole pitiful!

Believing EVERY day that I am  courageous, deserving, faithful, worthy and fearless enough to walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk!

Lastly, BE IN ACTION.... LIVE as a priority

An Inside Job

Hello to all...I came across this quote a few days ago...even posted it on Facebook...but decided that I had a few things to say about it.

For anyone that knows me well...or for those of you that are kind enough to take time to read this blog...you know that I have experienced some significant changes over the past 3 years and that those changes have not always been so easy for me to "get". 

I won't lie...there have been many times over that past 3 years that "running away" from some of the more unexpected changes has seemed like a really viable option. 

I use the word "overwhelmed" often...to describe what for me feels like a deluge of feelings...none of which I can succinctly describe individually...so "overwhelm" becomes the catch-all word.

As I have shared...over the past several months I have experienced some significant change...on almost every front of my life....some harder to manage than others and ALL have felt overwhelming.

As I face the challenging emotional growth from some of these changes, I am continually reminded that though my own very personal, but somewhat public, weight loss journey started as a journey to "repair" my outsides...my physical appearance, it more importantly became (pretty damn quickly) about repairing my insides. It became apparent very early on that this Journey was going to be an Inside Job!

Given that every one's experience is different, I am sure one could read/watch any number of posts/articles/videos, etc about tackling weight loss and quickly determine that each person experiences this kind of change differently...that each person takes on the challenge with their own unique perspective and collection of life's experiences that see them through.

Mine has clearly been about working from the inside...out...despite my protestations!!!

No matter how hard I may try...I can't run from that!  No matter how uncomfortable, embarrassing, time-consuming and ultimately, revealing that truth may be...It is my way...my Divine path...without always feeling so divine!

My only way out of this challenge is through it...no matter how messy it may seem or is or will be...Straight through the muck..."The ONLY way OUT is IN".

Today...I find myself fighting this reality a bit.  This requires that all too difficult thing called vulnerability.  I don't like it...but can acknowledge that there are moments when I know that my willingness to be vulnerable has brought me to a new level of courage. But for me...the hallway between that door from vulnerability to the door that leads to courage can feel dark, scary as hell and quite lonely.  It has and will again, leave me dependent on the faith of others and on my own experiential blind faith.  That faith that I know exists because of the blessings I have experienced when I did not believe that Blessing would come!

So...I keep moving through it....hoping that I don't look as clumsy on the outside as I feel on the inside!  Hoping that by acting as if I am courageous, I will become courageous! 

I think the keys to my success lie in the following...

• Living intentionally
• Praying daily that I am walking in God's will and not in nasty insecurity and fear
• Taking risks that might feel scary and exposing but that in the end, lead to courage
• Taking time each day to step out of my "self" and be available to others
• Daily practicing trust...that I have all I need...the faith I need...the support I need... to take daily steps in the right direction.
• Staying true to the course even on those days when I am feeling defeated, optional, destructible, invisible or just plain ole pitiful!
• Believing EVERY day that I am  courageous, deserving, faithful, worthy and fearless enough to walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk!
• Lastly, BE IN ACTION.... LIVE as a priority.

Here's what I know...Change is in fact, necessary, and some might even offer up good.  I am a reluctant "changer" but can now, after so much change, acknowledge the "good"...even the better.  I still though, have changes to experience...and being the flawed human I am...have my reservations!

I am refocused on losing weight...have lost 12lbs in the last few weeks thank to the Standard Process 21 day detox and my body continues to heal after some of the 2014/2015 physical challenges.

I am aware that I am missing having a "mini-goal" to train for...so....I am considering setting a physical goal for myself for the Fall of 2015...And am open to suggestions!!!  Something that physically pushes me, gives me something to reach for and preferably does not kill me!

Stuck in the Middle with Me

So I am rapidly approaching my 3rd year anniversary on this, what was to be, 1 year, fluff busting, 120 lb mission to a new me or at the very minimum, greatly improved, old me.

I have filled these pages with my Journey...the good, the bad, the ugly and the some might argue, grossly over-thought...over-stated reality of what my experience has been trying to move from a sickly, fat, 45 year old to a healthier, happier...albeit...still fat...48 year old.

I have shared some of what for me have been nothing short of miraculous moments and experiences and I have shared the moments that detailed the struggle...the muck and the yuck!

Over the past year, I have found myself spending less time writing here.

Lately though...life has been chaotic...filled with tons of unsettling changes and quite a bit of muck and yuck! I find myself wading around in uncharted waters...feeling lost and highly considering painting a face on my Kerri Walsh Jennings autographed Wilson volleyball for company (movie reference)...:)

When I started this voyage...so to speak...this blog was a place for accountability...but became a life boat for me...a place where I chose to tell the whole gory story of my road to losing weight.
So tonight I find myself back in my lifeboat and absolutely clear that I am in need of the accountability .

So...as you may already know...early on I got a big dose of reality...that being that this Journey was not only about losing a few (120 to be exact) lbs...but oh so much more...layers upon layers...lots of unplanned emotions.

So...I am an emotional eater...pretty much any emotional moment makes me hungry...eating has always been my preference over feeling...still is...which is largely why this whole 1 year journey idea got tossed pretty early on.

Lately...I have been painfully aware that the weight  "loss" just isn't happening and hasn't been for quite some time. However...the emotions...they have not slowed down a bit!

Now...I have stayed the course in some aspects...physically challenging myself...allowing myself to be vulnerable with a few people...telling the truth and hoping for the best...AND praying like a mad woman.

And still here I am...feeling permanently stuck somewhere in the middle between where and who I was and where and who I am hoping to be...no sense of belonging...

I was recently reminded that I think too much...a completely accurate evaluation. It lead me to thinking that I talk to much...share too much...etc... If you are nodding your head Yes...trust  me I get it!!! I have to live with me every day!!! :)
However...It was indeed an emotional death spiral for me though...I was left wanting a cupcake and a margarita! But alas...I went to the gym instead...progress, I suppose.

But I have had to come to terms with this exfoliating of emotional dead weight as I progress on this Journey...the profound discomfort of being vulnerable as a part of the absolutely necessary need for personal accountability. 

It is not my favorite part..it translates as weakness for me...and letting that be spoken or written or SEEN...is a complete ass kicker!

But it seems that embracing the vulnerability is part of it for...as painful and uncomfortable as that is...

So...my challenge is to remember that God will not lead me into any darkness without the promise of Light...and though it may feel like I am lost...I am not...

For today...just feeling Stuck in the Middle with Me...This Too Shall Pass.