Weigh In #30-It's Complicated

First...Let me say-- TGIF!

Second... Today, I am acutely aware of how much of a Roller coaster ride this Journey is!  A little too acutely for comfort.  I do like being comfortable!  Today I am not. I can never decide what part of a ride on a roller coaster is scarier for me...the slow ticking upward...up the hill...the anticipation of the big drop or if the big drop is actually the scariest part for me...and YES..I am a big chicken when it comes to the roller coaster! 

So...for me...I have had a series of slow..upward climbing moments during this Journey...and I have have had some free falling moments...straight down...both have been scary, arduous, glorious, overwhelming, joyful..blessings in their own unique way.  So far...I would not trade any of the moments...they are all teaching me things. 

However, some days the roller coaster catches me off guard.  As I have said before...some of that may be hormonally induced!  :)  Some is just part of the Journey.  I woke up today tired, knowing that my day is full.  It is also a weigh in day and instinctively I knew this weigh in would not be great.  I am fairly in tune with how my body feels on good weeks...and this morning I did not have that "good" feeling.  So...I gained a lb last week.  I remember when I started this Journey back in August, a friend who has already gone through this process told me to prepare for weeks where I did everything "right" but the scale would not reflect any results.  Generally, I have been able to roll with that...and I will roll on from here too!  And it is just a reminder that this is hard work.  Hard work, that I have avoided for years!! 

See... when food is tied directly to emotions...it is never just a simple process.  It is complicated.  It is difficult because one thing "feeds" off of another and for those of us that struggle with that aspect...the stress eater...emotional eater thing...well, the roller coaster ride gets a lot scarier if there is nothing to satiate the fear. 

Obviously, this is when having faith, courage, strength...all of those good things...can come in handy...I know this about me...I can have all of those things...all the good traits..but if I am not careful...the negative traits will ease their way right back in to my daily life.  So it is hard work!!! 

I am also aware that allowing myself to be vulnerable can be a double edged sword.  When I started this process...I did not actually think too much about starting this blog...I went with my gut (so that I could lose my gut...hahaha)!  If I had spent hours processing whether or not this was a good idea..it would have never happened.  This level of honesty scares the  hell out of me (everyday).  Oh...it is a good thing...but it is the biggest, scariest roller coaster I have ever been on!!!  It requires a level of honesty that makes my head hurt!  It is not that I was a dishonest person before I started this process...let's just say though that I may have omitted much of what I say here...

I wrote the following in my February 4th post:


I share things here ( in writing) that I have not been able to verbalize in the past. I did not know HOW vulnerable I would allow myself to be here and I can tell you that at times I have major risk remorse after sharing some of what is happening on this Journey.



Today this is SO true for me...You see...I have not only been painfully transparent here...but it is bleeding over into my daily interactions.  I think it is part of my Journey...I think allowing myself to be seen by others is part of  my process of losing weight. 

Deep thoughts!!!  Don't nod off...I am almost done!

 Here is what I have come to reluctantly know about myself...My weight is directly tied to my behavior...emotionally, physically and spiritually...I get this on a deeper and deeper level everyday.

This shedding of pounds is not just about putting down my fork and the fried chicken...it is about shedding all of the things that keep me from me being the best person possible...AND it is about being real...real honesty, real emotion, real truth and as a bonus...real healthy! 

This may not make sense to some of you...or you might think that it is way too deep for a weight loss blog...I think that at times...I think...look... just do more sit ups...run an extra mile and stop eating...that oughta do it!!!  But...that does not cut it...It is Complicated! 

But you know...I am trusting my gut...while I try to lose my  gut!  My gut says...this is the way!  It IS complicated...IT is tough...IT is a Roller coaster and It IS important enough for me to do..even if I feel uncomfortable and exposed! 

I heard this song today...It made me feel better!  Here are the lyrics and the link the song is below. 


93 million miles from the sun,
People get ready get ready,
Cause here it comes it's a light,
A beautiful light,
Over the horizon in to your eyes

Oh, my my how beautiful,
Oh my beautiful mother,
She told me
"Son in life you're gonna go far,
If you do it right you'll love where you are.
Just know that wherever you go,
You can always come home"

240 thousand miles from the Moon
You've come a long way to belong here,
To share this view of the night,
A glorious night,
Over the horizon is another bright sky

Oh, my my how beautiful,
Oh my irrefutable father,
He told me,
"Son sometimes it may seem dark,
But the absence of the light is a necessary part.
Just know, no you're never alone,
You can always come back home"


You can always get back...

Every road is a slippery slope
There is always a hand you can hold on to.
Looking deeper through the telescope
You can see that your home's inside you.

Just know that wherever you go,
No you're never alone,
You can always get back home.

93 million miles from the sun,
People get ready get ready,
Cause here it comes it's a light,
A beautiful light,
Over the horizon in to your eyes...


Jason Mraz-93 Million Miles