BUT I will continue to Forge on!!!
So in the midst of these last couple of unsettling weeks, I really am aware that I continue to be surrounded by people who take the time to share with me their stories, their experience, their strength and their hope.
I have had a couple of people send me links to other blogs (written by women) that express some of the same struggles I have been having and I have had no shortage of friends and family members that have let me know that they too, have struggles with self doubt, guilt, shame...confidence issues! Truly, the fact that anyone takes the time to acknowledge, support and encourage me along this daily journey..is amazing.
I have made a few mistakes this week, I have struggled with faith, I have had a few regrettable conversations and I have made a few apologies. I have proven that I am an ordinary fluffy girl navigating what is seemingly, a tough battle against all of the things that make me fat, sick and tired.
For every battle I fight along this road..I am learning. I really am! I am having to practice patience and kindness with myself. I am having to forgive myself for my own actions on a daily basis. I for the first time, have had some serious regrets about what I write here in this blog. Sure..I have had some risk remorse along the way...but not really any regrettable moments. I have taken each day of this Journey and tried to make sense of it and hope that it translates in a way that really speaks to the experience I am having along the way. Yes...I write this for myself and I also write these thoughts down in hopes that I offer some kind of hope to others who may be experiencing the same kinds of things.
So, this week...I don't know what was different...but I thought to myself...maybe I could just go back and delete a few of these posts...I am betting no one would even notice. I have wanted to do that with a few conversations as well. I am finding that I need to forgive myself this week for not being eloquent and wise...for not having comfortable words and for having emotional reactions to situations that quite frankly did not make any sense. I said a few days ago that I said out loud..."What the Hell is going on with me???" That was probably the most earnest, honest thing I have said all week.
I truly continue to "wing it"...I am proud of one thing though...I have this deep desire to continue...I don't want to give up...I don't want to quit and if that means that I trip over a few obstacles and fall flat on my big, fluffy butt...so be it.
Sometimes my head says...you are off your goal...you are not working as hard as you could...you are an emotional mess...But God has provided a recharge to my will and my heart says...SO WHAT...Before...I had no goal, I was not working at all and I was still an emotional mess AND I was 51 lbs heavier.
So despite my really slow weight loss...my waning sanity and my penchant for the dramatic...I will continue this Journey. I will count my blessings, prayerfully seek God's wisdom, reach out to those around me, share my heart and probably trip and bust my butt from time to time. Knowing how I learn and my track record... I will probably have to "Rinse and Repeat" so to speak!!!
So before I go...last night I went out with the Youngsters...Sadly, my co-worker, friend and amazing cheerleader, Lindsey left the company and will be starting a new job. So we all went out to celebrate her new opportunity and wish her well. First let me say, the new job is an amazing opportunity and I know she will succeed well beyond any expectations! Secondly, she has been an incredible gift and has been so wonderfully supportive of this old, fluffy girl. Though I know I will not be seeing her everyday...I told her not to worry...she has a permanent place in my heart.
So...we celebrated well last night...these Youngsters definitely keep me young! So...I got home REALLY late...too late...and as I got home and entered the garage...this sign was neatly taped to the door entering the apartment...
Yep...My Tone Tone... made a lovely Faith Flash Card for me to see as I entered our home...She is something else!!! Hilarious, Kind, Thoughtful, Faithful...you name it! You gotta love her!!!!
Have a great Friday Evening...I will be coaching some serious, church league volleyball tonight!!!
Love to you all,
Jaime
Awww :) that means so much! I have enjoyed every minute of it and like i told you before i left, i really do admire your dedication through this process and hope i can be at least half as devoted as you are. Just don't ask what we ate in Hawaii :) see you tomorrow!!!
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