The Good, The Bad and The Not so Pretty

Hi to all...I am still "off my axis" today...just not quite right.  I worked out last night and it was a struggle.  As I have stated many,many times, I need to be as open as possible here in this place (the blog)...this really is my journal of my Journey and all that involves.
So that means that not everyday is perfect or ever even close to perfect.  For those of you that consistently follow along...I would imagine that it feels a bit like a roller coaster here...reading this everyday.  Kudos to you for having the patience to read this day in and day out and congratulations for not getting nauseated after 5 months on a roller coaster!!! 

Some days(weeks) are just tougher than others.  It is funny to me in a way.  I feel all of the things that I talk about regularly, Faith, Love...all of my favorite warm and fuzzy stuff and amidst that... are days like the past several. 

It feels a little disingenuous to talk about having Faith and how much I believe in the Divinity of this Journey and then turn around and talk about struggling...but that is the reality of this process for me.  Truth is...this week has been challenge.  Coming off a week of fairly intense physical pain, coupled with my continuing struggles with not working too many hours, learning to eat for sustenance and not entertainment and the sometimes agonizingly slow pace of the weight loss, I am finding this week to be a struggle.  If  I factor in what I think is a heavy dose of hormonal imbalance... it makes this challenging...more challenging than normal. 

So...I will take today at its face value.  Here is what I do know.  What is happening Today does not dictate my Tomorrow.  I have felt a strong desire to just "Be Quiet".  It has been on my mind all week and though I have made some efforts to shut down my "busy brain"...I think I need to make a little more of a concerted effort. 

Tomorrow is Weigh In #24 and I am not feeling too optimistic..But as I like to say...It is What It is! 

Thank you for reading this blog...The Good, The Bad and The Not So Pretty(for my friend Camille who does not like the word ugly...I agree)!  It really does mean the world to me!

As I go...I am leaving with this thought...mainly because I need it...but I hope some of you may be blessed by these words as well.

Close My Eyes and Listen

It is Wednesday...Hump Day...and I kinda feel like I am having some trouble getting over the "hump" today.  Not really sure why? 

It may be just one of "those days"...everybody has them!  You know...those days were we are just a little off...a little befuddled!  Days like today remind me of the pitfalls of hormones too!!  ha!  So...here I am...blogging at lunch, knowing that I have a lot of "day" to get through and knowing that I still have a workout to get through.  OH...don't worry, I am still inspired and still driving the LOVE Bus!!!  I just am feeling a bit Blue today! 

I have found myself listening to songs today that are a bit melancholy or that have special meaning to me!  As a singer, I can tell you that big, bluesy ballads were one of my favorite kinds of songs to sing when I was performing regularly.  Those were the songs I could get lost in...the kinds of songs that I had to reach way into my gut to sing...and always with my eyes closed!! LOL!! I was in my own  world when I sang those songs.  I still love those songs...but since I mostly sing when I am driving...it is not always wise to sing those songs...since I often close my eyes...which does not pair well with driving at all.  You think texting and driving is dangerous...

I have attached the link to a few song selections...you can hear the passion in these singers voices...just close your eyes  and listen.  NOT while you are driving!!!

I like that phrase I just used above...On days like today...I like to Just Close My Eyes and Listen!  Listen for God's voice..in whatever form that takes! 


So...I got the information about this "cleanse"...the birthday cleanse as I am calling it!!!  There are a slew of jokes running around my head about the "birthday cleanse"....none of which are really appropriate!!  However, after I received the instructions last night...I must admit that I feel a little nervous about doing it!  However, after reading through it..it is pretty much the same exact cleanse that my friend Donna has done in the  past...so at least I will have her experience as a reference.  I am just a little anxious...but I know I will have support!  I will do it and I will like it!! HAHAHA!

Another new chapter in this Journey...even with the Blues and Blahs...I know that this is all a blessing.  Some days it will be easier to see than others...Some days it will be crystal clear and some days will require me to close my eyes...focus on God and just listen.  Please keep my Journey in your prayers!!

One last thing before I go....I got to hang out with with a few special people last night.  My buddy Nicholas,  his great big sister Hannah and their Mom, Grandma and Grandpa.  Hannah and I played Nail salon...she did my nails, and my hands (yes...hands) with nail polish, I was her employee and as her minion...I had to "fan" her nails so that they would dry and play my own version of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on the Hammond organ.  She let me know that I was the Manager but she was the boss...clearly the Manager is responsible for all organ playing.  Best job I have had in a while!  Blessings!

Here are a few pics!  Please note that Nicholas and I have very similar tastes in hair styles.

My friend Kristen sent this to me today thought I would share:

"The path you set for yourself doesn't need to be popular.  There may not be people there to cheer you on and you might not have any company along the way.  You might be lonely. You may end up where you didn't expect and it may be a longer journey there than you could have imagined.  It may be harder than you thought.  But that has to be okay.  Because if it's not about the Journey, what is the point?'


Songs for your listening pleasure!

Up the Mountain-Patty Griffin

Circle Dance-Bonnie Raitt

Stormy Monday-Eva Cassidy

Treat With Care

Happy Tuesday to all!  Today has been rather uneventful...Just working, eating healthy and marching along on my Journey to drop another pound or two! 

I hope all of you had a wonderful day!  Tonight is a night of rest for me.  No workout.  I will be hanging out with some friends, having dinner and relaxing!  I hope!

 All of this talk about "worry" lately has made me "worry"...I wish I was kidding!!  My brain has been in overdrive the last 48 hours...makes me crazy!!!  I swear...after a while it feels much like the following text I received earlier today from my friend's 6 year old grandaughter!

This is how it read:  Fhfhedfjfcnhfghbfchdfcucrfnifjvujfcjvrhcvbfruj

After reading it....I received a phone call from her...she said "did you get my text" and I said "yes,...it made perfect sense." 

It was eerily similar to the inner dialogue going on in my head!



This seems to be my health challenge Du Jour (Du Week, Du Month, Du Year)...managing the stress that lives in my brain and understanding how that ties in to my physical health and certainly correlates to my weight loss success. 

I have Busy Brainitis!!!  OH NO!!!!!  My task is to "manage" my brain...with help of course.  Use the tools that I have to cure the Busy Brainitis.  MANAGE...I think this is where the problem may lie...Here is the Definition of Manage from the good ole Merriam Webster Dictionary:

 

: to handle or direct with a degree of skill: as

a: to make and keep compliant 

b: to treat with care : 

c: to exercise executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of

 

 

I actually laughed out loud when I read this definition.  I LOL'd!  I guess that could be confusing to you guys...but with my sense of humor and my tendency to handle complicated life with humor...this is funny stuff.  The first thing I thought when I read this..."Ohhhh,, this requires SKILL!!!!  Crud! 

 

I just really struggle with "managing".  Unfortunately, this is evident in several aspects of my life.  Not all aspects...but some of the  big ones!!!  But here is the thing...If I look at this definition with my brain, my body and my spirit in mind...One thing really stands out.  TO TREAT WITH CARE.

 

That is the one thing I struggle with the most.  I am not saying that I am an ace at "handling", or"directing"..but treating with care is a tough one.  So here is the TRUTH.  I am truly my own worst critic.  I have been known to scold, shame, criticize..myself...often!  That is the Truth and there is nothing caring about that...Now I am not going to go into a deep analysis of why I do that...I will save that for a more appropriate place...But...I will tell you that by making this decision to lose this weight, get healthier, etc...It is absolutely going to require that I  "treat with care" my body, mind and spirit. 

 

I will have to fully learn how to do this...I think I am everyday! 

 

In the meantime, I have some amazing family and friends who treat me with tremendous care! 

 

I got this message from a friend today (this is a portion):

 

I just want you to know how proud I am of you for what you have chosen to do.  I am so happy you are choosing health and making it your priority...When you are going through a journey like this you may be too close to see the changes.  I want you to know I can see a healthier and happier you! 

 

Again, my heart is full! 

 

 

 

 

 

Sit Quietly in His Presence

Another Monday almost in the books...Been really busy so the day has flown by!  Which is nice! 

I hope this week has started well for all of  you!  I am a wee bit tired today...my headaches have been a little more severe for the past week.  Which is a bummer and the pain makes me tired.  BUT...I will not be stopped (or at least I keep telling myself that). 

I walked 2 miles last night and walked another 2.2 miles this evening. On nights that I am not feeling well...walks seem a little more doable.  I know it is not some super charged, fat burning workout..but it is better than not doing anything at all! 

After posting about "worry" yesterday.  I got a really cool daily devotional from my cousin Barb..who is worrier as  well. I loved it so I am posting it here today.  She sent it via text so I hope you guys can read it OK.  The devotional is from the book Jesus Calling...

 

 

 

Thanks Barb for sharing this with me and again thank you so much for the constant support!

 

I love the line in the devotional that says..."Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts."

 

  A quiet mind is something I struggle with...I have more of a crowded, chaotic, room full of sugar loaded 3 year old kids kind of mind.  I have a very difficult time quieting my mind...I DO work on it constantly.  It is something that requires a fairly significant amount of effort.  I have tried different tactics in my most chaotic moments...I pray...but I often interrupt myself...I listen to what I call "massage music", I have tried classical music, that water trickling, bird chirping, soft rain falling, ocean waves kind of music...I have listened to guided meditations,etc...At times I am successful in quieting the chaos...at times I am not successful...that is when the "worry" often creeps in...

 

So...I like that the above devotional says to "Sit quietly in My Presence"...I have a tendency to try and drown out the chaos...with other "noise"...much like I try to drown out emotions, stress, worry with food!  Worrying mind....nervous eating! 

 

It is funny.  I don't know if any of the above makes any sense to anyone else...but for me...it is one of those jigsaw puzzle moments for me...I have been looking at these pieces of the puzzle for years and I never completely make them fit...and tonight, as I write this from that very same chaotic mind..suddenly the pieces fit together perfectly. 

 

As I work through the challenges of this Journey...this is just another reminder that this Journey is about so much more that just controlling my portion sizes and working my butt off in a place that constantly reminds me of the Village People...

 

 

This Journey is about finding ways to quiet my mind so that I can hear God's plans, replace the "worry" with gratitude, joy, love (you knew it was coming) and generosity. This is about learning to Sit Quietly in His Presence!  Getting skinny will be the icing on the cake! (I love cake)!  Clearly, I have some work to do!

 

Love and Hugs to you all!  May your night be filled with peace and quiet! 

 

Jaime

 

From a Fluffy Worrier to a Healthy Warrior

Sundays are great days...especially if I don't think about the fact that tomorrow is Monday!!  Today has been low key...church, lunch, a little grocery shopping...no big plans. 

I try with all my might to not worry about tomorrow...or the next day or the next week, month, year!!!  You probably get the picture.  I am a worrier! I am a Fluffy Worrier!  No denying that and I am in awe of people that are not worriers.  I don't know too many...but I have known a few and they seem to be a peaceful sort!! 

Anyway...I do find it difficult to not worry about tomorrow.  Just in general.  As I take this weight loss Journey, I find that there are lots of things I could worry about!  HOWEVER, something quite interesting is happening.  I am aware..ever so slightly aware...that I am not worrying as much!  I do not mean a drastic change.  I have not lost 35lbs and become this peaceful, laid back type..no, unfortunately that is not the case.  However, I am aware of little nuances of change.  Little moments that I am suddenly aware that my worry button seems to be in the off position. 

Take Mondays for example...I used to about this time every Sunday, get into some serious dread about the beginning of a new work week.  I think largely because I typically felt physically exhausted and mentally drained from the previous work week and in my experience, the weekend did not provide much of a respite from that exhaustion.  I was physically ill...in pain and overwhelmed at the thought of "starting all over again" each Monday. 

Being a person who struggles with chronic pain, migraines, etc...it sometimes takes every ounce of physical and mental strength I have to do what I need to do on a daily basis. Quite frankly, we are talking about survival...just doing enough to get by! 

BUT...I am beginning to feel a shift.  I am enjoying my weekends again.  I am finding myself less worried about the beginning of a new week and more energized about the next step in this process of change.  Again, it feels like baby steps..but it is real.  A real change away from something that has been part of my life for years.  Another gift!!  Another small victory!

I can guess (obviously) that because I am losing weight, have regained some of my ability to be physically active and am finding a bit of relief from my Migraines, that the stress of starting the work week is beginning to diminish.  I am grateful. 

I still have a long way to go and just like the rest of this Journey, I will have to continue to do all within my power to take the next right step, have faith, believe in hope and trust that God has a plan for me. 

Today I am grateful that another small "piece" of change for the better has entered my consciousness...:)
I would like to think of this as the beginning of my transition from a Fluffy Worrier to a Healthy Warrior!

I think I have posted this quote here before...but I love it so much that you may see many times over before this Journey is complete.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength."
Corrie Ten Boom

I am ready for the rest of Week #24...More inspiration, more faith, more fun and All Kinds of LOVE!  I hope you are all hanging in there with me!  I need all the support you can share.  MAWA!!!!

It is All part of the Journey

Good Saturday Evening to you all!  It has been another full and enjoyable day.

Started the day with a 2 mile walk with Donna...We were slow to get out the door...but we made it!  No need to hurry on a Saturday!!!  We explored a new walking trail!  Another great day to be outside!  After the walk, we had some lunch and then it was Volleyball time with Emily! 

By the time we did all of that it was 2:00 PM and I headed home...After a short rest and a quick overhaul...Mom and I met our friend Stef and her sweet daughter Kendall for dinner and a movie.  We chose to see Les Miserable (or as I call it...Less Miserables).

  For those of you that do not know the musical or have not heard about the movie...This is no musical comedy...but instead a 2+ hour emotional beating at the hands of some brilliant actors and actresses.  The movie was fantastic.  It was a true musical adaptation for film.  No much spoken dialogue...and most of the musical numbers were not pre-recorded in a studio...but actually sung live during filming. You can thank me later for the movie review...You get a little bit of everything in this blog!!! 

Anyway, you need a bit of back story to appreciate the risk I took going to see this movie with my friend Stef.  First, Stef is DEEP feeler with a huge, soft, mushy heart!  Many years ago, I went to see the movie Titanic with her...it was just out and we were forced to sit on the 2nd row in the movie theater...it was packed!  The movie began and the story of the Titanic unfolded before our eyes...Leo and Kate falling in love and then of course...ending with the Leo as a Popsicle in the middle of the ocean...what you don't know is that during the entire (week long) sinking/death scene...my sweet, emotional friend sobbed...boo hooed and it was LOUD.   I had never been to a movie with anyone who so fully committed emotionally to a movie!!!  So...after that...I must say that seeing really sad movies with her was an intimidating proposition. 

So when I agreed to see Les Mis with her...well, I had to steel myself and prepare for the obvious agony she was going to be in during the film.  So, we have dinner and arrive at the movie theater only to find that the only seats are on the 2nd row of the theater!!! Deja Vu all over again!!! Titanic...here we come.

So as the agonizing stories of these lives unfold on screen, the poverty, death and destruction of the French Revolution is sung with these beautiful, haunting songs...I knew I was toast!  She was going to blow!!!  I sat there knowing that the tears would be streaming, the snorting would commence and the sobs would be heard!  Oh and all that happened...However, it was no Titanic!  We survived the French Revolution much better than we did the big shipwreck!!! 

So as I write this...I am aware that I have put my own dramatic little story telling twist on the evening...but there is a point I would like to make!  I like that I have people in my life that cry in movies, laugh out loud at jokes (especially if they are laughing at my jokes), sing along with a song they love (even if they don't have the best voice), dance to their favorite song and are not afraid to be themselves.  There is a great beauty in that!  There is something freeing about having people like that in my life!  By having people in my life that cry, laugh, sing, dance, etc, I have the courage to do this...to write down my experiences and share them you... if it is about my daily struggles to lose 120lbs or even if it is just about my Saturday night at the movies!  It is all part of the Journey!

Before I go...as I watched this movie tonight there was a particular line in a song sung in the Finale that really stood out for me...I am posting below!

"Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God."

Goodnight and here's to wonderful, LOVE filled Sunday!!!

Full of Faith

Happy Friday...People!! YAY!!! I am SO ready for the weekend!!!  Today is weigh in #23! LUNCH Post!!!  O Happy Day!!!

Lost another 1.5lbs...Would love it to be 2lbs...but Hey...Still losing, still moving forward and still fighting to light!!!

I saw this and thought about my semi-disappointment when I "only lose a pound"



Besides the obvious fact this is a gross picture...look how much 1lb of fat is!!!  EWWWWW!

So Week #23 is in the books...29 Weeks to go!  2 weeks until The Cleanse begins!!!  My 46th birthday will fall into that time frame as well.  Here is the cool part.  I am going to be healthier on my 46th Birthday than I was on my 45th!  I like that!  What a birthday gift that is!!!

So yesterday I was thinking about Perspective and today's thought is about Courage.  I used to think of courage as something that only lies within a hero's actions...A soldier, a policeman, a fireman, a doctor...you know those professions that require tremendous bravery and often personal sacrifice or tremendous knowledge.  But as I have grown older...I recognize courage in everyone.  We all have it and we all have displayed it for others to see!  It may not always be in plain sight and it may not be displayed in some grand gesture or poetic moment...but it is there.  I read a quote today that made me think about what Courage is...what it requires.

"A Man of Courage is also Full of Faith"~Cicero

Now...I am going to take the liberty to add "Woman" to Cicero's quote...he won't mind...he died in 43 BC.

But a Man or Woman of Courage is also Full of Faith..this really resonates with me!  Courage is a funny thing...I have been in situations where I had it and in situations where I am clear Courage was not present!!!!  When I have Courage...I KNOW that I have Faith!!!  That is a no brainer for me!!!! 

I don't really think of myself as courageous...I wonder if any of us do and if we did...would we say that out loud about ourselves!  Maybe...but here is what I can say about myself.  I recognize it in myself a little more these days...Not in some grand way and NOT of my own volition!!!  No...for me It IS about Faith...my courage comes from Faith...my courage...what there is...comes from God. 

As the Journey continues...I am going to need all the Faith and Courage I can get...

Here is one other thing I need to say about Courage.  I am surrounded by every day people who have tons of it!  Some know it and Some don't!  But what they all have in common is that they "model" that courage for me...I am an experiential learner...and I learn by watching others...I have always said that I often connect to God through other people.  I have tons of opportunity to learn everyday.  I grew up with strong women (particularly my Mother and Grandmother) who model a strong faith and both have/had tremendous courage.  I have friends and family who are courageous and exhibit an amazing faith everyday!

Just this week I was reminded of the courage a few people I know exhibit daily...

My friend who is just a few years younger than me who is preparing to take her medical school entrance exams, while working a full time job and grieving the unexpected loss of her mother.  Yet, not only is she forging on...but she is doing so with tremendous grace and humor...always humor!  THAT is courage!

My friend who has battled the flu the last 2 weeks, is managing some serious life difficulties, striving to be a good mom and daily working on being a better person...THAT is courage!

I have a friend who is making every effort to learn about herself, gain knowledge about things she finds difficult to understand and get healthy physically...while also being a wife, mother, daughter, friend...THAT is also courage!

I am surrounded!! All great examples...in their own way!  All courageous in their own way. 


Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”


Here is to a great weekend filled with Love (yes, I am still working the love angle)...Filled with Courage and Faith! 

Blessings!!