I felt compelled to write last night...as I walked into the YMCA for what feels like the 10,000th time in the last 3 years. I'd like to think that was in fact, the 10,000th time. I would like to think that I have made the decision to walk into a gym, with pep in my step and motivation to move mountains 10,000 times over in the past 3 years. I would like to imagine that as I stepped through those gym doors...to the less than pleasant scent of other people's sweat and good intentions that mine was the prevailing scent...just by sheer volume alone and that upon entering...it would be visibly apparent that I had indeed, walked through those doors 10,000 times and have the body to prove it.
But as I sit here and write...the reality is that I, regardless of how many times I have walked through the doors of that YMCA...the only thing I have probably done 10,000 times...is wonder if I will ever reach my goals AND insanely hum the Village People Anthem...Y-M-C-A...as I entered the building. And the body...well...it speaks for itself.
Fighting this fight is not living up to my expectations or my doubts. It is however, seemingly, trimming the fat off all of the self-imposed defeatist ideas that I seem to have collected over the years. That does not show up on any scale I have found and it is only visible to those who take the time to look and truly see the changes. It is profoundly uncomfortable and a total pain in the ass AND seems to be absolutely necessary for this fluffy girl. That has been uncomfortably apparent from the very beginning.
My proclivity for over-analyzing and for wearing self doubt like a badge of honor, leads me to think that I must continue to do so...trim the fat...both internally and of course, the goal...externally as well. It is a necessary evil in my personal journey.
My last post in July was a statement of my battle with that inner fat and the need to just stop processing it in such a public fashion. It quite frankly was getting old...and not helpful. I know that I need and will continue to need, to work through all of the things that hold me back...whether I choose to do that with just a few poor souls...or with a wider audience. Accountability still is a HUGE piece of this puzzle for me. Being honest, owning the steps of my journey and accepting that there is no turning back are part of the process...even if participating in that stirs every shameful feeling I have ever had..."The only way out is In" (Junot Diaz).
I can say this...with complete conviction. Trimming the internal fat is gross, ugly, revealing, embarrassing and might drive some away...but conversely, it is freeing, revitalizing, fortifying, rejuvenating and leads us down paths to those who can and are willing to embrace us...fat and all.
Lastly, I speak of faith often...how it is a must and how I can really suck at having it. But over the past 7 months, I have connected more with the reality that God moves in my life in ways that cannot be fully comprehended until I am on the other side of them. My struggle is to trust my experience and not launch into full scale doubt and panic when, in the process of trimming the fat, I feel like I am drowning in it.
I am aware that God has placed people in my life who have the uncanny ability to embrace faith with an optimism and a joy that I just can't do today. As I stumble into the 1st quarter of year 4 of this journey...I can readily admit that I, in the recent past, view these strong, spiritual optimists as a reminder of all that I am not! But I have gotten it all wrong...these people are not in my life as a reminder of my shortcomings...but instead, as a mirror to the possibilities...the promise of God's grace and an opportunity to grow.
It has been brought to my attention...many times...by some of the grounded spiritual bad asses in my life...that there is no time limit to trim the fat. It is not a year long, 4 year long or finite journey...but instead it is a lifetime of infinite possibilities. For now, I will defer to the bad asses! For me..it is going to be about willingness...to be patient, to trust, to believe in myself and to keep trimming the fat...until I don't need to anymore. Be Brave and Forge On!
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