Thursday, April 17, 2014

Fat, Forty+ and Full of Feelings

Hi there...I am on the backside of a crazy busy week and am surviving...Lots of changes going on these days...some big, some small, some possible, some improbable. All time consuming. 

I think it has been MORE than well-established that I am a worrier...and in the midst of "unsettledness" worry button gets pushed frequently. 

So I am spending as much time as I can in a very conscious effort to maintain an open dialogue with God and with those that reinforce the purpose of this Journey.

I am getting ready to make a few changes to my weight loss/exercise program (stay tuned) and am hoping that those changes push me through to the next level of this Journey.

I am seeing changes in my body just in the short amount of time that I have been playing/coaching volleyball 3 days per week.  I have been told that the body needs changes in regimen in order to keep losing order to keep refining, shaping and "leaning" out...God knows I could use some Refinement!!! :)

I played on my sand VB team last night and for the 1st time this short season, I do NOT feel like an 90 year old woman afterwards...even my knees are manageable today!!!  Miracles do happen!

As I have said many, many times...the daily process of this Journey...this challenge to revamp my Whole body...and my goal to feel Whole daunting at times.  AND...the rewards have been mind blowing at times...It requires that I constantly change and grow with each step..It requires a level of faith that I at times, don't think I have and then find that I do...which is amazing.

The daily motion of this Journey can be rough one moment and completely freeing and beautiful the next. 

I continue to ask for God's daily guidance and I am incorporating the daily prayer that I be willing to fully see and embrace the daily opportunities God provides for me to grow in my develop my strengthen my body and "lighten up".

It is no secret that I have and am...facing daily struggles in this weight loss Journey...the seemingly never-ending battle with food and the associated guilt that seems to accompany that battle.   It is no secret that I have struggled I lose not only layers of fluff but "virtual layers" of  all of the other "stuff" I have accumulated over the years...Emotionally and Spiritually.

It has been hard to write lately about this Journey for me...18 months is a REALLY long time to talk about being fat, forty+ and full of feelings!!  Trust me...

AND...I continue to know that this place is my accountability to myself and to those that take the time to read it.

As I continue...I know that the same accountability, support and motivation will be needed to finally finish this leg of my Life's Journey...the Journey within the Journey!!!

My prayer lately is that I honor God's Big Picture plan for me...That I seek out the best support and let go of the negative...sluff the fluff...and seek the me and in others. 

As always, being the external creature that I am..I will need support...I will need a fierce Army of Angels that have the time, space and inclination to continue on or join in on this Journey...

My prayer is as this Journey progresses..that I am able to give back all that I have received...a million times over!

Have a good evening. 


Sunday, April 13, 2014

God-Defined Success

Happy Sunday to you all...I  hope this day finds you rested, happy and healthy.

I am heading into what looks to be an incredibly busy week. One of those weeks that could get away from me if I am not in conscious contact with God...asking for His Guidance....Seeking His Will and Knocking on His door when I need a safe, quiet place to regroup.

This week I will have the opportunity to live fully in His Will...professionally, personally...emotionally...physically and of course spiritually.

This week I have the opportunity to live with great intention...purposely...trusting that I already have everything I need before this jam-packed week even begins.
This week I have the privilege of knowing that God has a plan...beyond my imagination...a plan that will guide me down a successful path...with success already having been defined by Him. Embrace the words that are coming out of my mouth and onto this page. THAT is my job!

So...switching gears a bit.  For those of you that don't know...I am coaching 2 indoor youth girls volleyball teams AND  I  am the eldest member of a 6-man Coed Sand Volleyball team.  In other words...I spend 3 days each week playing/coaching a sport I love with people that (generally speaking) I could have given birth to....a fun...but at times, sobering experience. ..:)

Here is a harsh...yet quite humorous reality...It seems that my BRAIN thinks that I am a volleyball ROCK STAR...BUT.. I do not have buy-in from my body...

So a few observations about that...

I hear the word M'am at least 20 times a week...often followed by...Are you OK?

It takes me one FULL week to recover from 3-5 hours of playing/coaching volleyball weekly. 

It takes my body at least 1 to 2 minutes longer to respond to a physical command given by my brain...resulting in some awkward delayed responses...that leave me face down in the sand and one more opportunity to hear..."M'am. ..Are you OK?"


In my head the "rushing" sound I hear while I am on the court is the aftermath of my sheer lightning quick speed...when in is the sound of a fluffy girl  gasping for air! my minds eye..I am a lean, mean, fighting machine...but in reality

I am a leaner...hopefully not meaner...bit of dreamer...who LOVES the fact that I am getting a second chance to do the things I love!

My hope for this week...Is that I can keep an open open mind...and a willing body!

Here's to a week of God-defined Success!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Acting As IF

Happy Hump Day...

So...given the context of my last few posts...I have been feeling like I have been stuck in a state of Perpetual Hump Day!

So...I know that I have been stuck in that place...I know that it is a complete buzz kill...and I know that it is very difficult to move forward in the middle of a downward spiral...

So like I said a couple of days ago...I need refocus my efforts on the weight loss portion of this original goal...and make every effort to get my head on attitude adjusted and keep my body in motion...

So my big question is how I embrace this part of my Journey...Almost 2 years in and admittedly I am running out of creative ways to keep the pace, the motivation and the drive. first step...

Acting As If...As If...I am 100% clear about my next step on this Journey...Acting As If...I AM already clear-headed...purpose driven and fully in gear....Acting As If...I have completely surrendered to God's Will...every moment of every day...

I recently shared something a friend said to me...

Embrace ALL that God has to Give Us.

Embrace ALL those we Love.

Embrace the path that says, "I Choose..."

I Choose a Happier Life!

I Choose a Healthier Life!

I choose to EMBRACE all things that lead me down that path!

I have not been Embracing the Good lately..but instead...wallowing in the Negative...

I have NOT been Embracing the Blessings, Gifts and Grace that God has provided.

It has impacted my relationships, my job, my mind, body and spirit.

Instead, I have been allowing the circumstances of the day to dictate the direction in which I am meant to travel.

I have the power to choose. is time to Act As IF...and IT will be true. 

For those of you that have recently been directly impacted by doom and gloom...Forgive me...I lost my way...I will be better.

Still a work in progress...Still believe that this is Journey has a Divine purpose...

Acting As IF my spiritual and mental work out...everyday...Embrace the "As If" ...As If it is True!!!


Monday, April 7, 2014

Gonna be a Diamond Some Day

In the past several days...I made the decision to take a break from this near daily update on the progress of my weight loss Journey. 

The last time I posted...I just had gotten out of the hospital...was struggling with migraine headaches and as I wrote, "Fighting a feeling of defeat".

I was in the beginning of a cycle of pain that zaps me of my energy...and seemingly my courage. I was, in less than a week, thrown back into a cycle of living that I have feverishly worked to rid myself of over the past 18+ months.

I recently told someone that pain changes me...At the time, I meant physical pain...but frankly...emotional pain does, my experience, my attitude, my will, my confidence, my courage...

In the midst of that I was reminded by someone that I "think too much" (not the first time that has happened).  I certainly cannot deny that.  I don't even attempt to...But upon hearing those words from someone else...being told I Think too much translates to I talk too much...share too much...just AM too much....all the same for me.  Finding myself struggling with physical pain...feelings of inadequacy...and shame...I withdraw...shut down. Nothing like being in a place of complete reactivity to slow down a Journey...

But...I have a goal to reach...and everything that I am and want to be relies on the positive direction this of Journey..

So...why I am here today...I am here today because I still have weight to lose...and I still need the accountability this place provides...this place where I share my thoughts...and all that means as I work to accomplish something that is very important to me.

You know...Truth is...things are messy..and though some parts of my life will take longer to sort out....a healthy body is profoundly important to make this Journey.  I mean, after all, wasn't that the point from the get go!

I have a mind and a body to heal...Someone once said to me..."Get your mind straight and your body will follow"... I am...again...thinking and the middle of some of my greatest challenges...and some of what I hope will be my greatest moments.  Here I am trying to lose weight...gain strength and build faith.

I feel far from this goal today...but...I recently have had the opportunity to hear someone speak of how God "refines" us...through every facet of our lives He works to refine polish us to a high sheen (my words)...

In the words of the speaker I was listening to he says the below...paraphrased...

Refinement is a stressful process but never...not even for a God not there during that "refinement".

Honestly...this is one of those times when chaos is prevalent in my life...personally, my closest relationships and even in my physical body...but I cannot imagine stopping now...and I cannot imagine that this is not All part of God's refinement of this body...this mind and this heart.

When I think of refinement...I think of the arduous process it takes to turn a piece of  black coal into the beautiful, glistening diamond...Which sadly makes me think of a line from  an old (rather corny) country song...

"I'm just an old chunk of coal...but I'm gonna be a diamond some day"

Funny enough...I could only remember the above line of this song written by Billy Joe Shaver (recorded by John Anderson)...But upon looking up the lyrics...realized that there is some solid wisdom packed in this "corny" country song...So...I decided to share the lyrics...

Hey I'm just an old chunk of coal
But I'm gonna be a diamond some day
I'm gonna grow and glow till I'm so blue pure perfect
I'm gonna put a smile on everybody's face
I'm gonna kneel and pray every day
And last I should become vain along the way
And I'm just an old chunk of coal now Lord
But I'm gonna be a diamond some day
I'm gonna learn the best way to walk
I'm gonna search and find a better way to talk
And I'm gonna spit and polish my old rough edged self
Till I get rid of every single flaw
Yea, I'm gonna be the world's greatest friend
I'm gonna go round shaking everybody's hand
I'm gonna be the cotton pickin' rage of the age
Yea, I'm gonna be a diamond some day

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Accountable to Me...

Hi there...this post is just about accountability for me....

I am still really fighting this migraine....but more fighting a feeling of defeat!

I need to keep in perspective that this too shall REALLY ifs, ands, or buts...

I am letting this minor a major roadblock...

I needed to write down here that this is temporary....This is only a bump in the road...and God has got this handled.

I love the below saying!

I needed to remind myself.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Frayed Knot

A Joke:

A String walks into a bar...sits down on a barstool and orders a drink.
The Bartender looks at the String and says, "Are you are String? The String replies, "Yes"...Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve Strings here"
The String leaves the bar...but REALLY wants a he sneaks back into the bar...sits down and orders a drink.  "The Bartender says "Hey, I told you, we don't serve Strings here!!
So, desperate,  the String leaves...goes outside, ties himself into a knot....messes up his "hair", walks back into the bar...sits down and again, orders a drink.  The Bartender looks at him closely and says..."Hey, aren't you that String?" The String looks at the Bartender and says
"Frayed Knot"

Sorry...but I love that joke!

So, I have a reason for sharing this joke today...I am hanging on to the frayed knot at the end of my pain tolerance rope.
I am out of the hospital with a good report on my ticker!  My heart palpitations were induced by the ass kicking pain of the monster migraine!
For those of you that have been on this Journey well beyond the past 18 months,  then you know that my Migraine headaches have been debilitating for me...and I have gone through extensive treatment over many years.
As part of this Journey,  I have seen diminished migraine attacks...for which I am profoundly grateful. I am getting quite used to NOT having them!

So truthfully....I have been experiencing headaches quite a bit lately....and this beast of a migraine is hanging on...

So...I hate feeling this sick...and I refuse to be stopped in my tracks...and though it may sound dramatic....The knot I am hanging on to is dwarfed by the size of the knot in my stomach! THAT KNOT...the one in my the fear of a chronic migraine cycle...hospitals, meds, shots, nausea and more nausea.

So here is what I am doing....I am talking about the knot in my stomach in hopes of making it smaller and hanging on to my hope "knot"...hoping that the ground will rise to meet my dangling feet!

That knot I am hanging onto is my has to be larger than the knot in my stomach!

"My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.- Psalm 63:8

Bottom line...I am feeling afraid...sick and overwhelmed...Today! But am I giving up? FRAYED KNOT!

Pray vs. Worry-I am working on THAT!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Tools For Survival

Good evening...As I post this I am, unfortunately, in the hospital!

I woke up this morning with a serious migraine...not the every day, run of the mill migraine. ..but a real beast!

I stuck it out until about 1:00 PM or so...then decided I needed to make a trip to the ER. Along with that migraine....came some heart palpitations that have landed my fluffy self in the hospital! 

I have managed to be "hospital free" since June of 2012.  I was hoping to stay that way for a long time. So feeling a little disappointed tonight.

But you know....I am in God's hands...thank God

This Journey continues to be just that...a Journey....through all kinds of experiences...blessings, challenges, powerful moments and it seems...a hospital stay!

I learn something new everyday....I am loved everyday and I am a recipient of God's Grace Everyday!  Today...the only difference is geography! Today all of the above happened....just in a hospital room!

This too shall pass...
I continue to Ask...Seek...Knock!

Prayers are welcome...needed...and are the best tools for survival on this Journey!  That...and a migraine relieving "cocktail" have gotten me through this leg of my Journey!

Goodnight my friends!