Thursday, June 4, 2015

Stuck in the Middle with Me

So I am rapidly approaching my 3rd year anniversary on this, what was to be, 1 year, fluff busting, 120 lb mission to a new me or at the very minimum, greatly improved, old me.

I have filled these pages with my Journey...the good, the bad, the ugly and the some might argue, grossly over-thought...over-stated reality of what my experience has been trying to move from a sickly, fat, 45 year old to a healthier, happier...albeit...still fat...48 year old.

I have shared some of what for me have been nothing short of miraculous moments and experiences and I have shared the moments that detailed the struggle...the muck and the yuck!

Over the past year, I have found myself spending less time writing here.

Lately has been chaotic...filled with tons of unsettling changes and quite a bit of muck and yuck! I find myself wading around in uncharted waters...feeling lost and highly considering painting a face on my Kerri Walsh Jennings autographed Wilson volleyball for company (movie reference)...:)

When I started this to speak...this blog was a place for accountability...but became a life boat for me...a place where I chose to tell the whole gory story of my road to losing weight.
So tonight I find myself back in my lifeboat and absolutely clear that I am in need of the accountability . you may already know...early on I got a big dose of reality...that being that this Journey was not only about losing a few (120 to be exact) lbs...but oh so much more...layers upon layers...lots of unplanned emotions.

So...I am an emotional eater...pretty much any emotional moment makes me hungry...eating has always been my preference over feeling...still is...which is largely why this whole 1 year journey idea got tossed pretty early on.

Lately...I have been painfully aware that the weight  "loss" just isn't happening and hasn't been for quite some time. However...the emotions...they have not slowed down a bit!

Now...I have stayed the course in some aspects...physically challenging myself...allowing myself to be vulnerable with a few people...telling the truth and hoping for the best...AND praying like a mad woman.

And still here I am...feeling permanently stuck somewhere in the middle between where and who I was and where and who I am hoping to sense of belonging...

I was recently reminded that I think too much...a completely accurate evaluation. It lead me to thinking that I talk to much...share too much...etc... If you are nodding your head  me I get it!!! I have to live with me every day!!! :)
However...It was indeed an emotional death spiral for me though...I was left wanting a cupcake and a margarita! But alas...I went to the gym instead...progress, I suppose.

But I have had to come to terms with this exfoliating of emotional dead weight as I progress on this Journey...the profound discomfort of being vulnerable as a part of the absolutely necessary need for personal accountability. 

It is not my favorite translates as weakness for me...and letting that be spoken or written or a complete ass kicker!

But it seems that embracing the vulnerability is part of it painful and uncomfortable as that is... challenge is to remember that God will not lead me into any darkness without the promise of Light...and though it may feel like I am lost...I am not...

For today...just feeling Stuck in the Middle with Me...This Too Shall Pass.

1 comment:

  1. You are taking the "harder path" ( less food and more exercise) rather than giving in to the "easier path" (more food and less exercise)....applause for that and the tenacity to see it through! I hope there is consolation in knowing you are a role model for so many of us....readers! A.C.