Monday, April 7, 2014

Gonna be a Diamond Some Day

In the past several days...I made the decision to take a break from this near daily update on the progress of my weight loss Journey. 

The last time I posted...I just had gotten out of the hospital...was struggling with migraine headaches and as I wrote, "Fighting a feeling of defeat".

I was in the beginning of a cycle of pain that zaps me of my energy...and seemingly my courage. I was, in less than a week, thrown back into a cycle of living that I have feverishly worked to rid myself of over the past 18+ months.

I recently told someone that pain changes me...At the time, I meant physical pain...but frankly...emotional pain does, my experience, my attitude, my will, my confidence, my courage...

In the midst of that I was reminded by someone that I "think too much" (not the first time that has happened).  I certainly cannot deny that.  I don't even attempt to...But upon hearing those words from someone else...being told I Think too much translates to I talk too much...share too much...just AM too much....all the same for me.  Finding myself struggling with physical pain...feelings of inadequacy...and shame...I withdraw...shut down. Nothing like being in a place of complete reactivity to slow down a Journey...

But...I have a goal to reach...and everything that I am and want to be relies on the positive direction this of Journey..

So...why I am here today...I am here today because I still have weight to lose...and I still need the accountability this place provides...this place where I share my thoughts...and all that means as I work to accomplish something that is very important to me.

You know...Truth is...things are messy..and though some parts of my life will take longer to sort out....a healthy body is profoundly important to make this Journey.  I mean, after all, wasn't that the point from the get go!

I have a mind and a body to heal...Someone once said to me..."Get your mind straight and your body will follow"... I am...again...thinking and the middle of some of my greatest challenges...and some of what I hope will be my greatest moments.  Here I am trying to lose weight...gain strength and build faith.

I feel far from this goal today...but...I recently have had the opportunity to hear someone speak of how God "refines" us...through every facet of our lives He works to refine polish us to a high sheen (my words)...

In the words of the speaker I was listening to he says the below...paraphrased...

Refinement is a stressful process but never...not even for a God not there during that "refinement".

Honestly...this is one of those times when chaos is prevalent in my life...personally, my closest relationships and even in my physical body...but I cannot imagine stopping now...and I cannot imagine that this is not All part of God's refinement of this body...this mind and this heart.

When I think of refinement...I think of the arduous process it takes to turn a piece of  black coal into the beautiful, glistening diamond...Which sadly makes me think of a line from  an old (rather corny) country song...

"I'm just an old chunk of coal...but I'm gonna be a diamond some day"

Funny enough...I could only remember the above line of this song written by Billy Joe Shaver (recorded by John Anderson)...But upon looking up the lyrics...realized that there is some solid wisdom packed in this "corny" country song...So...I decided to share the lyrics...

Hey I'm just an old chunk of coal
But I'm gonna be a diamond some day
I'm gonna grow and glow till I'm so blue pure perfect
I'm gonna put a smile on everybody's face
I'm gonna kneel and pray every day
And last I should become vain along the way
And I'm just an old chunk of coal now Lord
But I'm gonna be a diamond some day
I'm gonna learn the best way to walk
I'm gonna search and find a better way to talk
And I'm gonna spit and polish my old rough edged self
Till I get rid of every single flaw
Yea, I'm gonna be the world's greatest friend
I'm gonna go round shaking everybody's hand
I'm gonna be the cotton pickin' rage of the age
Yea, I'm gonna be a diamond some day

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