Thursday, September 12, 2013

Being BOLD in my Faith!

So Last night...I went on a 7 mile (roughly) bike ride...The old knee held up pretty well...( thanks Brig for the suggestion).

About 3/4 of the way into my ride...Donna joined me and she asked me how I was answer was this...I am feeling defeated, middle aged and fat...oh and I may have a broken knee (not really)...She Laughed...That is what I was hoping for!!  :) 

I went on to say that other than that..I would have to give this day 2 thumbs up!!  For those of you that know me pretty know..I was going for the drama...For those of you that don't...I really was going for the Drama!!! 

AND...I am feeling a little defeated...AND I am definitely middle-aged...AND...I may be fat...still...BUT...on the bright knee is NOT broken!!! LOL!!!

But in all seriousness...I am making the effort to push through this Negative Nelly phase I am in...My feeling defeated is just as much about my attitude as anything.  I know with all of my heart that I have to be willing to be trust, to have faith and to overcome these challenges...the defeat lies in the negativity! 

Yesterday, Kerri sent me this:

It made me first thought was...I so suck at this at times....My second thought...she already knows that about me!!!  My third thought...Everyone probably knows that about me...
But...I am woman enough to admit that I need reminders...
So as I look at this photo...Of course...I see the Let Go...and then of course....the lighter "D"...But I am aware that I need to BOLD that D...LET GOD!!! 
I have to be BOLD in my Letting Go..and Letting God...I can't just loosen my grip...
I am good at clenched fisting through life!!!  I can hang on to Worry like it is the last life raft on the Titanic!!! 
I literally clinch my fists at times for no apparent reason...Oh...I have reasons...but they are just not apparent to those casual observers...
So I find it fascinating that I HOLD on to things so tightly...even if it is not good for me...I find it fascinating because it seems to be the same story with my least until a year ago!
So as I write this...I know that I am SLOW to Let Go(D)...It is a real challenge for me to truly release those things that are purely God's to carry...
So back to my defeated feelings are about the fact that I am still struggling with these same feelings after One year on this Journey...still struggling with the idea that I am capable of meeting my goal and still struggling with my own internal critical voice...THAT is defeating!!
I have posted this before...more than once...I am posting it again because it was written by a musician who had his own struggles with weight loss and Letting Go!  I have listened to this song many, many times as a reminder that I am not terminally unique...AND as a reminder that I, though flawed, am capable of overcoming even my most personal battles....even the battle of the bulge!
REDEEMED ~ Big Daddy Weave
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed
So I will continue to battle the bulge with all of my imperfections.  That means...I have to unclench my fists loosen my grip and stop fighting with that critical voice in my head!  EVERYDAY! 
It did not take long for me to figure out this Journey was going to about WAY MORE than losing a butt load of weight...It was going to be about an overhaul..A complete engine rebuild...from the inside...out! 
So...Everyday I am Shuffling! 
Everyday I am learning to be BOLD in my Faith!!!

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