Monday, April 22, 2013

Thanks But No Thanks

It is MONDAY...nuff said!  There is a very real part of me that would like to just stop there! 

I think I have had a bad day...Not sure!  LOL!!!  I must confess that I have not been getting much sleep for the last couple of days...I continue to struggle with some hor"mean"al issues and I have had a very long, busy day...3 hours of which was spent in Houston traffic!  WAAAA!!!  I told you guys there would be here it is!!! 

I have a story to tell you...You do not have to read it...It is one more tale in my on-going saga of how interwoven my emotional health is with my fluff level...or should I say with my with fluffy girl food intake levels! 

You see...when I was in my 20's...I was in the music business.  A business that you might guess is NOT fluff friendly...especially for a young woman.  So...after a few years of being told I was too fat...I decided to hire a personal trainer, change my eating habits and lose weight so that I would have a shot at making it in the business...I lost 70lbs and guess what I found out...though Fluff was not acceptable in the music business...ignorance and arrogance were perfectly acceptable traits among my fellow (often male) band mates...OH WELL...I tried!!!  Regardless...I ultimately learned that without the skin was just NOT thick enough to tolerate the "biz"...So I got a real job! 

I went to work for an Oil and Gas brokerage firm...I put all my effort and energy into that job and into my "personal growth"...Sufficed to say...I was angry, NOT eating comfort food, working 16 hours a day AND "growing" emotionally!!!  NOT a good combo.  Again, much like now, I was experiencing some fairly intense feelings that I was beyond clueless on how to deal with (in a healthy way)...So I think it would be fair to say I was pretty intense!!!  Some might use a more "descriptive"word!!!  One that I will refrain from using here...OK...I was a bit bitchy!!!! 

So...I worked and I worked and I worked out AND I EMOTED!!!  Most of my friends were my work friends...Most of them were Type A...High strung, over achieving, Oil and Gas brokers making obscene amounts of money and ALL under the age 35!  I somehow missed out on all of those characteristics except the under 35 part and the High strung part!!

So while I was in that portion of my crazy career path...I began to realize that I needed something a bit different...I needed something less crazed...I had no idea what that was but I did begin to further explore "who I was"...I came to the realization that relationships were important to me...I needed healthy friendships and I needed to work to make that happen (or at least I thought it would require work).

Now you couple that with ALL of the other crap going on with me and I was a seriously intense "feeler"...My feelings were OUT there...on full display and at the same time...I suffered from an intense case of "risk remorse" every time I decided to be honest about how I felt!  Cray Cray!!!!

Anyway...moving on...well that is exactly what I did...I decided to move on and I had a friend that I really liked...She and her husband both were a daily part of my life!  So...I am leaving the company...She is leaving the company and I tell her that it is really important to me that we stay in touch and maintain our what, I am sure was a fairly intense manner!!!

 Then she says the following to me...I don't think I will ever forget it!!!!  She said...I really care about you and you are a great person..but I don't think I have it in me to be your friend...You are just so intense and being your friend would require so much work!!! as you might imagine...I was hurt, mortified with embarrassment AND strangely...understood completely!    I told her I really did understand!!!  It turned out to be a gift in a weird sort of way...I never spoke to her again...I stayed embarrassed for a long time and certainly was NOT sharing my "feelings" with anyone for a while...BUT...I did learn!  One of the things I learned that is paying off today...Is that after that happened...I ate...I used food as a way to ease out of the pain and move on!  I ate my feelings for a lot of years after that...not because of that...but because of a million other hurt feelings, embarrassing moments, disappointments..celebrations, name the feeling...I ate it!!! 

So fast forward to today...I again, am experiencing some REALLY intense experiences that I struggle with...blah, blah, blah..So...I am intense.  I am intense here in this blog...I can crank out some deep thoughts and feelings in a flash and I got a very different, much kinder but very reminiscent " thanks but no thanks" from a friend...and guess what...I completely understood!!!  I am still a bit hurt, still embarrassed...BUT....I am NOT eating my feelings!!! Instead,  I am sharing this long, dramatic account with you...or at least those of you that have not "nodded off", become sick to your stomach, or started watching re-runs of Friends on cable!!!

Strangely...It feels like a bit of an accomplishment...I can own that I am an intense feeler..that I may be a little more intense right now that I normally am and I can own that those facts might make being around me on a regular basis a bit tedious!!! 

My Faith is so much stronger...I am 20+ years older and gratefully can put this experience into a frame of reference that reminds me that though I may not be every one's cup of tea...I am a loyal, devoted friend who will hang around even when things are tough...that loves with my whole heart and as a bonus...can occasionally be pretty damn funny!!!  OH...and instead of eating a cheeseburger or having a Coke...I can straight up tell you how I feel and am willingly to suffer the consequences or reap the benefits!!!! :)

On that long note...I am going to bed!  All of these feelings make me tired!!!!

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