Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A Changing Body...A Different Mind...A Growing Heart

So one of the biggest challenges that I face each overcoming my own own thoughts.  I kinda feel like I am doing a "how to" on overcoming negative thinking...Certainly...I am not.  I am just clear that is one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. 

For me, losing weight and getting healthy continue to be a Journey through all facets of my thoughts, my fears, my victories...big and small.  My willingness..My faith...My self confidence or at times, lack thereof..My support dietary physical activity levels...etc...

As I progress through this process...I can tell you that at times I have been amazed at how quickly my body has responded to the changes...and at times...shocked at the lack of response!  Just another loop on the ole roller coaster!

But...since returning from California, I have made a concerted effort to increase the intensity of my workouts.  If I learned anything on that Hill...and boy, did I, I learned that I can push myself harder than I do!  I think before making the trek up the Dune...I thought that if I pushed to hard...I might drop dead or something. 

You see...after being ill for a long time...being in pain...the mind becomes burdened, at least that is what happened for me.  I became convinced that I would spend the rest of my life battling illness.  I believed that!!!  Fully!! The messages in my head were that I was incapable of reversing the path that I was on...I was too sick...I was not physically ABLE to workout, walk...nada! 

My body fully believed what my mind had to say!!! some extent...I gave in to the sick thinking...I do want to say one thing...for everyone out there who may struggle with chronic pain, autoimmune diseases, migraines...or any other debilitating illness...I am in no way saying this is just something that exists within my head...this illness...I AM saying that I believe that what I am currently experiencing is possible for anyone.  It is HOPEFUL...It is a miracle and it is for me, proof that God is working in my life...that I found inspiration that truly gave me that hope and opened my mind and my heart to the possibility that I did not have to spend the rest of my life as the sick, tired, fat, funny girl...That is my reality and I know, that every one's experience is going to be different. 

Please hear me say...I did not magically become cured...I still have an autoimmune disease...I still have chronic migraine syndrome and because of those 2 things...I have pain everyday...But the hopeful part is...I am truly overcoming...I CAN workout, I CAN walk and run and climb and is not always comfortable and I am not breaking world records or winning races...but in the immortal words of Charles Sheen...I am WINNING....:)

What has willingness to endure and rise above...a changing body...different mind...a growing heart.  I am fighting the sick, tired and the fat and I plan on being victorious...I plan on fighting with all my might, the voice that says I Can't....I will fight the part of me that took on the idea that I was somehow less than. 

TRUTH:  Much of what I write here is practice...practice for the changes I am making on all levels...I write what I believe to be true...I write what I want to believe to be true and I write what I need to learn is NOT true...This blog is my reflection...from all sides...the good, the scared...the brave...the wishful...the dreamer...the realist...the cynic...the joyful...the angry...the wounded and the healed!!! 

I know I am always saying life is changed...overhauled...I do have a long way to go...and I know that I will continue to face the challenges that change always presents for me...but, I AM IN!!!

I will even try to better tolerate the "new" crying me...the me that seems to have traded "some" of my self-deprecating humor for tear soaked gratitude...the me that emotes profusely...unsolicited and somewhat uncensored!!! AND  I will embrace the me that has spiritual epiphanies on top of a sand dune after struggling to make it just once to the top...Who cries when I look at pictures of myself and Kerri Walsh on top of that hill...EVERY DANG TIME!!!

A warning to my family though...I may no longer be the designated "reader" of any sad, sentimental, touching or otherwise emotional literature shared at showers...funerals...or the like.  I seem to have lost my "edge"...or my ability to use humor in sometimes...questionable ways to get through those moments that all of you always cried through...I am afraid...I am no longer a bad ass!!!  I recently cried through a dog food commercial...just sayin'

So one last thing...Kerri posted this on her Facebook is what started my thought process today...more Six Feet of Sunshine inspiration!!! MAWA!!! 

I believe this to be true so be nice to yourself! Empower yourself to be a great as you dream to be. Fit, healthy, happy, successful, at peace ... Put it all out there, then BELIEVE & get to WORK, DAILY!

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