Today was yet another day on this Journey that served as example of all the ways in which my life is growing and changing...
Years ago, when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease....my life had begun to radically change...I was frequently ill, exhausted...a mono kind of exhausted, and emotionally, one giant raw nerve.
I had few coping skills. My feelings were generally worn on my sleeves and I so wanted people to really "get it"...get what I was experiencing...and not just think I was bitchy, lazy or just whacky....I was 21 years old.
The next several years...I got sicker, more exhausted...emotionally drained...but my "coping" skills improved...I discovered my humor was a great distraction and food was a great comforter...So I joked, pretended and ate through the pain...both physical and emotional.
I slept little and neatly hid my feelings inside countless fast food hamburgers, pizzas, and cases of Coca Cola...THE JUICE OF LIFE!
I still yearned for those around me to "get" it...to ask the right questions and have the right answers....
Illness continued...surgeries, chronic headaches...etc...but I was STILL funny....when I was not withdrawn...and I still would eat...eat....eat! Those around me tried to get it...but mostly I just stopped hoping...If all else fails...lower your expectations....By now...I am 36...
Then last Summer..after a lengthy illness/hospital stay...The 2012 Summer Olympics aired.
I watched intently...I cheered and cried...touched deeply but still I ate. Suddenly I realized...the food was not killing the pain or changing my circumstances....I had plenty of people in my life who wanted to get it and did their best to love me through it. I was 45 yrs old.
Then in August...I had a stroke of inspiration that blossomed out of an amazing accomplishment and relationship.. Not my accomplishment or relationship...but one that touched and inspired me to move!
I began to realize that while I waited and cried for others to "get it"...It was me that did NOT get it! I did not have the right answers or know what questions to ask...I did not get that My questions and all the answers in fact, were being patiently held by God.
He chose to revive me...to inspire that hope inside me in a way that I could hear! Sports...and in the heart and grace of one particular athlete.
I ask in prayer the question.. What do I do? I got the answer...
I am getting the answer...everyday. Not always the answer I expect or even want...and at times, the answers I get are mind blowing,exhilarating, amazing...beyond my expectations!
I get it that I can be honest and still be loved...I can be afraid and not be weak, I can be funny...but not as a way to hide! I am strong enough to navigate through the pain without clogging my arteries!
I get it...a little deeper everyday...that I know the questions and God is my answer...
I am 46 years old...it is never too late!
Getting Stronger Everday!