OK...so I have debated deleting last night's post all day...LOL!! And as I write this, I am still considering it. It would be the first time I deleted a post after publishing it!!! I re-read it and thought...it does not really articulately say what I am feeling. Plus...it just really is heavy!
Here is the deal...I had an amazing week...out of long Journey to face all of the things that keep me sick, fat and tired...I accomplished something good...it made me feel fantastic and I want to live like that as long as possible.
By acknowledging that...I am confronting all of the old messages that say I can't...be happy, be healthy, successful, adventurous, loving, kind...etc...Here is a piece of my reality...when I was young, I was told by my father (in a fit a rage) that I would never be anything..that I would have nothing and be nothing...because at 10 years old, I made the decision to leave his home and go back to the safety of my home with my Mom and Grandmother. He, I am sure, was angry and hurt that I had chosen to do that and unfortunately, spoke those words...that I have never forgotten.
Obviously, lots of time has passed since those words were spoken...but there were others similar and those are the words that seem to stick with me. Truthfully though, I have been blessed with so many other loving, kind and supportive people in my life that I think...I have risen above those words many times...However, there are occasions...moments, when I am blind sided by those words replaying in my head. Especially, when I am given the opportunity to reach a goal or accomplish something that is important to me..
So as I acknowledge each step of this Journey...my effort to truly eradicate all of the things that have made me sick and tired, to literally "lose" a portion of my sick self..I find there are times when my feelings don't appear to match the situation. I find that the intensity surrounding this last week...is one of those times. But...it is happening whether or not I like it or not...It is not something I can just get over...or neatly tuck away in my head...NOT if I am going to stop the cycle. Not if I am going to truly believe ALL of the great messages I received this last week...I have to shed this...I have to fight it and I have to overcome it. It is not pretty, or funny, or entertaining and certainly not comfortable to hear or share.
So I am not surprised that some find it uncomfortable and confusing...that makes perfect sense to me and trust me...I would love it if I was resting comfortably on Cloud 9...
But if it makes anyone feel any better...I am facing this knowing that this too is part of God's plan. I am admitting what may appear as a weakness..or a penchant for the dramatic...I am outwardly and to the best of my ability being honest and forthright. I believe we all have these types of battles...and we all deal with them differently. This is my way of dealing...getting it out of my head and talking about it...it takes away the power!
And for those that have asked...Do I think that hormones are playing a part in my current state...my answer is...HELL YES!! LOL!!! And unfortunately, that does not make it any less real! I am a middle aged woman...battling my own body...and hormones come with the fight!
It Is What it IS!!!
But...just as a reminder to myself and to those who are reading this...I know that the good in this Journey far outweighs the bad...I know that the path I am on is the right path for me and I know that despite my fear of the unknown and my fear of letting go of the known...I will move forward...I am capable of this fight and I will be victorious as long I trust in God!
I am re-posting my new Affirmations...for me!
My reality is and has been that I am living a higher purpose beyond my earthly wishes.
With God's help, I am making a worthwhile contribution to this planet! I am living a life of Kindness...I am blessed with great inspiration!!! I trust the process. I embrace the tears of joy, of grief, of vulnerability, of gods grace. I am completely ready for this new chapter in my life. I am confident that this recent experience is resonating in me, molding and shaping me to live an even higher purpose.