Today...Change is a dirty word...Like I find myself wanting to say KEEP THE CHANGE!!!
So I am feeling a little conflicted...or maybe slightly split between the me that is embracing change...welcoming it even...open minded...open heart...and the me that is critical of change...pessimistic of its value or even scared shitless of what it may mean...
So today...I am flat out struggling...my physical pain is OFF the charts...I have now had a migraine for more than 24 straight hours...and since I have this high idea of managing this without narcotic relief...FOOD seems to be the only logical answer...EAT EAT EAT!!!! And no...I have not fully succumbed to that temptation either...
But here is the deal...I may suck at half of what I write here...Like I have said before and NEED to say again. I write the things I believe to be true here...The Things that I want to be true...and the things that I need NOT to be true.
So this post...well...it may or may not make sense...it may contain more cuss words and it may be filled with all three of those things I just mentioned..My Truths...My Hopeful Truths and The "un"Truths that FEEL true!!!
You with me????
So...I wake up in the wee morning hours feeling like I have a jackhammer pounding above my right eye...I make the difficult (truly) decision to stay home from the office...when I find out that our company is possibly going through a major transition and that there is a meeting today!!!
So...I get up...full on nausea and drag my ass to the office. Stressed before I even know what I am stressing about...Get here and have to compose myself so that I don't look completely incompetent.
As I sit in this meeting...for several hours...I run the gamut of emotions...I pray for understanding, for calm, for patience...to not worry, and to trust...in other words...I pray to be someone completely opposite of who I am!!!...LOL!
My Mom knew before I even walked out the door that this would be a challenge for me...She sent me the following text:
"Surely am praying for your headache and for God's Blessing on your job. At the meeting, Let them see Jesus in your face...xoxoxoxoxo"
REALLY...No pressure...She did not say let them see Kindness in your face...or Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela...No...she said...Let them see Jesus in your face!!! Hell...I can't even do that on my BEST day!!! Now my Mom wrote that with the greatest of compassion for me and for those that may be subjected to my panicked overreactions...:)
What I envision is her really thinking is...CRAP...should I call ahead and warn them...warn them that a pain possessed...hormonally fragmented 46 year old woman with more mouth than brain is hurdling their way fully loaded with fear...uncertainty...and completely med and comfort food free...
But she was smart...She challenged me to put on my Jesus face...You know when your MOM says put on your best face...You put on your best face...
Now here is what I also envision...Jesus looking down on me with great compassion and saying...well...at least you tried!!!
I can say this...though the thought of mirroring the love and kindness of Christ was a great goal to have...at NO TIME...did anyone see that in my face!!!! However...no smoke or major flame flew from my nostrils or mouth. I was however, fairly blunt in vocalizing my concerns.
So I was talking to a co-worker afterwards and told him privately my concerns and also shared with him my Mom's suggestion...I am gathering by the look on his face that he too thought...Bless your heart...at least you tried!!!
Maybe trying is progress...I am not sure..Maybe these days...when I feel like my writings here are nothing more than wishful thinking...are in fact, moments of progress...TODAY...I just don't know.
I can tell you this...My short term memory blows on days like this...ALL of the things that I genuinely believe (or at least think I do) seem to fly right out of my mind on days like today...
There is a poem (or quote) that I am sure most of you have read...I may have even quoted it here before...It has a special place in my heart and I know that I have several people in my life who may just be experiencing this kind of moment...for a myriad of reasons. So I just felt compelled to put it down...for all to see and for me to remember....
"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." ~ Edward Teller
I will keep on working...Working to build my Faith Memory...Working truly knowing that the words I write here are ALL core truth for me and not just wishful thinking!!!
I will continue to work on my Perspective...my Willingness to Change and I will continue to Work on portraying the Love and Kindness of Jesus!!! It may take a while!