Monday, November 11, 2013


Happy Monday!!!  At least I am doing my dead level best to make it a Happy Monday...

So I had a funny...strange dream last night.  I was stressing out about not losing weight...(no surprise)but in my dream, I was talking to someone ...telling them that I could not wait until I lost my that instead of people noticing how much I weigh...People would finally notice how short I am!! 

Now...I think that is strangely hilarious!!!  It made me think of how many times my Mom has said..."I am not overweight...I am just under tall!! 

I am working out a lot...really trying to mix up my workouts...lifting weights...dead lifts, squats, lunges, shoulder press, bicep get the picture.   Typically, after my lifting I do an additional 20 to 30 minutes on the elliptical, recumbent bike, or an outdoor bike ride. 

Then...One day a week, I do my Concept II Rower sprint workout...followed by 30 more minutes of additional light cardio. 

I typically have one day that I just do light cardio OR a light lifting session and I take one day completely off. 

On all of those days...I try to stretch...a good stretch on my favorite stretching apparatus if possible. 

But here is the deal....I am not losing weight...I am still losing some inches...but my weight is fluctuating and I am tired of it! 

I know I have to stay with it and keep working...and I am willing to do that...I guess I am just still baffled at how difficult it is to find the perfect food/exercise combo. 

I scour articles...looking for answers...trying to determine if I am exercising enough...too much..the wrong way.  I have reached out to trainers...athletes...other people battling weight loss..

I have read articles by Dr.'s, training professionals and the like...I usually end up just getting overwhelmed, frustrated or just plain ole pissed off at some point..because each article is a little different.  One might say DO MORE CARDIO and another article will say lift more weights...and of course, I am working a program that heavily emphasizes weight training with a cardio combo. 

I was reading an article at lunch today and this Dr. says...Weight loss is easy....TRUTH...If he was standing in front of me at the time...I would have had a few not so lady like words to share with him about his opinion.

Of course...I have made a point to "publicize" my Journey...and I do NOT regret that.

 I will tell you though that there are people who ever so gently let me know that they know I am not losing weight...I can't be bothered...but I do have to reign in the part of me that wants to make those comments some kind of gavel pounding verdict of my failure...or at the very minimum less successful than I had planned.

Every once in a while...I just have to voice my frustration...doing a little whining...and get it OFF me...instead of letting it fester...fester...fester...

When I played sports...I could channel my frustration in my play...I once hit a softball so hard that I shredded my batting glove...I could throw a ball with a little extra pep or jump a little higher and pound a  spike down at the 10ft line...(shorty had hops)...OR I might..just might have been known to channel that aggression..that frustration and plow face first into a fence trying to catch a foul ball... frustration seems to come out in my words more than anywhere else...So in an effort to approach the issues in a somewhat healthy way...I write my frustration here.  AND...I do channel as much of that frustration into my workouts...but...I try to avoid "shredding" anything...and jumping...well lets just say that is a lost skill for today and of course...running head long into a fence was NEVER a good idea!!! 

So I guess...I am frustrated..and for some reason...Hungry today.  Yes...I still battle hungry days.  I think I probably always will.  So managing that is a challenge on a day when I feel like I do today!

I think that is why I repeat myself so much here...I really cannot emphasize enough how much I have to "PRACTICE" being like I talk about here...It just does not come naturally. 

After all is said and done...Eating correctly is still the hardest part.  My head says...I am doing my workouts and they are not easy...So if I am not losing weight..then the answer has to lie with my diet. 

Today...I am frustrated...Still moving forward...Still focused on this Goal...Still working on Letting Go and Letting God...Still trying to remember that Time is not limited and I will be and AM stronger for this Journey. 

So as I sit here..spewing...I must get one more thing off my chest and out of my head.  So please accept my heartfelt apology...because my spewing is NOT over...

I have spoken about experiencing so many different changes along this Journey...physical, spiritual and emotional...I would even dare say that a new reader (or even an old reader) might argue that this blog is as much about my spiritual and emotional growth as it a weight loss Journey...for the "fat" girl in this scenario...ALL three are order to overhaul my body...I HAVE to make other changes...deeper changes that go well beyond what size clothes I wear or how thin I become...

Having said support system..the people, resources and my willingness to accept support has been an integral part to this Journey.  Again, I am blessed by the people who have contributed to this experience with their actions...words...prayers...etc...All  have had an impact and are important. 

I think that is why I have to write about this next thing...It is hard for me to discuss and out of respect will be a bit writing this is honestly...for me...and for my heart. 

As this Journey has progressed, not everyone has "gotten" what this is about for me...and that actually makes perfect sense to me...and at times, that has been painful to accept.  However, as this Journey has progressed, I have actually lost a few friends...or at least I feel a loss. I am grieving that loss and feel a myriad of emotions.  The hardest part for me that I do not fully understand WHY?  I am a WHY girl...I like to have an understanding of why something happens..and I, in this case, am clueless...the only thing I have is my intuition and the absence of something that was once a regular part of my life. 

So...I am at a loss...but  I trust that everything happens for a reason...and I do know that I may not ever know the reason...Again..God's plan is perfect and I continue to work to fully understand that what I picture in my head and in my heart may not be what happens.  Sometimes that hurts...

I am a  closure kind of girl as well...Hell...I am the person who HATES when a call drops and I can't end a conversation...drives me batty!!!  Even if that conversation was literally down to the "goodbye".

So I just needed to say goodbye...and decided this place was it...the one place I could say it and move on...grieve the loss and trust the Plan! a way...this whole Journey is a combo of Grieving a loss but finding a new way...a better way...a healthier way!  Letting Go of what I know...and trusting the Change...even if it is scary...or even if I am afraid of failing...What is failure really?

 For me.. failure is not being willing to try in the first NOT take on a new challenge for fear of falling on my face...literally and figuratively!! 

So...I am done...I needed to say what I had to say...In the not so immortal words of a guy I once knew...PEOPLE GOTTA KNOW!!! 

Thanks for listening and can wake up now...Its Over!!! 

Oh...and here is a good article Lindsey sent me today...thought I would share!

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